DMZ: part 2

Our bus was stopped multiple times, our passports individually checked by a very intimidating South Korean soldier with many official frills on his uniform. All the SK soldiers wore tar-black aviator sunglasses. The only soldier's eyes I saw were our bus driver's and the American soldiers who were in charge of security on our tour. After clearing blockaded security check-points, our group entered the Joint Security Area (JSA).

Next, they shuffled us into a small lecture room where our tour guide gave a well-practiced powerpoint presentation. Although the subject matter was serious, I couldn't help but snicker at his ultra-dramatic rendition of the "Ax Murder." When he first tried to explain this event, he began by asking, "Ax murder, do you know what that is?" Everyone kinda looked around to see if they had heard correctly. "This is the location of the AX MURDERrrrr." (The extended 'r' is for emphasis.) It sounded like there was a random serial killer at the border in the 70s... it was definitely not the kind of violence I was expecting to learn about. Turns out the Ax Murder incident was when a couple North Koreans killed three South Koreans with axes. Why did they kill? Well, the South Koreans were cutting down a tree. ... And the North Koreans didn't like that. I'm not kidding.

I was required to sign a waiver that cleared the U.S., South Korea, and anyone else in the area of any wrongdoing if I died. Maybe everyone but North Korea. This paper was returned to us at the end of the tour as a souvenir. All tourists are warned never to point their finger at the North because it may look like a gun...and they may shoot you. However, it was perfectly ok to point our shiny, metallic cameras in that direction.

North Korea builds everything bigger at the border. For example, its flag tower is the largest in the world, and its flag weighs 600 pounds. It is 60 m taller than the South Korean flag tower opposite. NK even has a propaganda village. This is a town they've setup right along the border so when foreigners look in, they can see how well NKs are doing. The thing is, no one lives there. The buildings are big outer shells (props) and every night NKs turn on their lights to make it seem inhabited. There's even a rumor that NK buses little children in to play in the streets, though SKs have their own issues with propaganda.

The border itself was pretty fun. South Korea only stations its taller, most handsome men there. Too bad they were wearing beetle-like helmets and high-cut pants. Right outside the U.N. building that spans the border, there are two SK soldiers stationed. They stand so that their bodies are half behind the wall, and half facing the North. They spread their feet wide and keep their hands at their hips, ready to pull out their guns. This is called "ready position" in Korea, but Americans in particular think it's more of a cowboy showdown position (think Eastwood in "Tombstone") . All they need are spurs...and to ditch the Top Gun sunglasses.

I entered the U.N. building. The desks were shiny, dark-stained wood and the chairs had leather seats. Again, we were instructed not to touch anything or anyone. However, on the way out I noticed that one of tables not only had handprints on it (the shinyness allowed one to see it) but it also had footprints on it. Not shoeprints, bare footprints. Someone was totally table dancing after too much soju. It's got to be incredibly boring just standing guard inside a building no one uses for months at a time. Why not spice things up a little and commit a hilarious, and seemingly untraceable act? You'd think they'd dust afterwards, although I doubt those tight uniforms have any room for Pledge or Swiffer. Still any piece of clothing would've sufficed, so they must not have seen the footprints. Maybe it was the sunglasses.

The U.N. building sits halfway in South Korea, North Korea. So, for about 10 minutes, I was in the North. There is one SK soldier at the North side's door and he was very serious...or asleep. The tour guide told us not to speak about politics because the room was probably bugged, and we didn't want the North using our conversation as anti-West propaganda. He told us this while we were all busy taking funny photos with the very serious South Korean soldier at the North Korean door. There was no political discussion going on. "Teehee. We're in North Korea! That soldier is so serious. Let's get a photo with him while he can't move. Look, I'm straddling the line. I'm in SK, I'm halfway in NK. Teehee." Actually, looking back, I'm surprised we didn't get shot.

We were shuffled out of the U.N. building too soon and taken...to the gift shop. Yep, they sell all sorts of DMZ souvenirs and memorabilia. Everything from shot glasses to wine to watches to bells to children's apparel. You want to cutefy your child? Just deck them out in DMZ clothing, head-to-toe. There were t-shirts, notebooks, even wine with some derivative of "DMZ stuff" on them. Personally, I think this was the biggest jab at North Korea. Ah, capitalism.